In God We Trust

Obama’s Brainstorming Session:  How to Screw Up the Republican Convention

 

By Dr. Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com

Obama decides to miss the NAACP convention in Houston so that he can have fun instead with his old buddies from Chicago.  And so he has the Secret Service fly his rebuilt Choomobile from Camp David to Chicago.  They wet it up in the back yard of Mayor Rahm Emmanuel’s house.  Obama, Rahm, those two madcap Daley brothers (“Little Dick” and Billy), and the affable husband-and-wife team Bill Ayers and Bernardine Dorn are all sitting in the 1968 VW Bus, smoking joints. 

Everybody’s pretty high when a Secret Service guy knocks on the door and says, “Bill Clinton’s at the front door, along with two old fat women, Susan Rosenberg and Linda Evans.  Shall we let them in?”

Ayers:  Bernadette and I invited them to the party.  Susie and Linda were members of our radical Weather Underground team in the 1960s.  They’ve been out of prison since Clinton pardoned them in 2001. 

Obama:  Yeah, let them all in.  There’s enough room and joints for everybody.  And Bill and Bernadette, you read my mind!  I want to screw up the Republican Convention in Tampa, just like you and the Chicago Seven screwed up the Democrat Convention in Chicago in 1968.  We’ll have a brainstorming session

Bernadette:  Yeah, both of us caused a lot of trouble at the Chicago Convention in 1968.  But we weren’t the ringleaders, and we didn’t get arrested till later.  They caught us when we tried to bomb the Capitol and the Pentagon about the same time.  Gee, I miss the 1960s! 

After the threesome join the party, Bernardine asks Clinton:  Why did you pardon Susie and Linda? 

Clinton:  They weren’t old and fat back in 2001. Prison food kept the slim, just the way I like them.  And they were very, very grateful.  Weren’t you, girls?

Susie and Linda nod their heads and giggle.

Lots of brainstorming occurs.  Two of the ideas that were rejected:  Obama, Joe Biden, Rahm Emmanuel, and Harry Reid show up at the convention. They do a song-and-dance number, then sing barbershop quartet songs.  Nancy Pelosi, Diane Feinstein, and Barbara Boxer follow-up with a song-and-dance act of their own. 

After the brainstorming session is over and Obama has enough ideas to screw up the convention in Tampa, the girls leave and the guys start talking about women—naturally! 

“Little Dick” Daley:  Those gals aren’t bad-looking for their age.

Billy Daley:  Yeah.  Hey, that gives me an idea—who are the best-looking newscasters on TV?  And the worst?

Emmanuel:  Fox has the best-looking.  I love that Puerto Rican Kimberley Guilfoyle.  And Dr. Monica Crowley!  She rings my bells! 

Obama:  And don’t forget Ainsley Earhardt and Megyn Kelly!  Yum yum. 

Ayers:  I like Asians myself—Michelle Malkin is one gorgeous Filipina!   Yum-yum sarap! 

Clinton:  Too bad CNN and MSNBC don’t have gorgeous women—except for Robin Meade.  I wish she didn’t snort when she laughs, though.  I don’t like Candy Crowley and that lesbian with a smirk, what’s-her-name.

Ayers:  Rachel Maddow.

Clinton:  Yeah, that’s the one. 

Obama:  If Barney Frank were here, he’d probably pick Don Lemon at CNN or Father Jonathan Morris! 

Eventually, the guys start talking about the ugliest female newscasters.  Then about the sexiest female members of Congress.  They couldn’t think of any.  So they started talking about the ugliest Congresswomen.  It was unanimous!  They picked Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Nancy Pelosi, and Maxine Waters. 

The party breaks up at 3 a.m.  Obama goes to sleep and has three dreams:

First dream:  The ghosts of Abbie Hoffman and Jerry Rubin, both members of the Chicago Seven, appear.

Hoffman:  Watch out, Barry.  You’re already 50 years old.  I committed suicide when I was 52.  And Jerry died when he was hit by a car when he was 56. 

Rubin:  Why did you commit suicide, anyway?  You were a big celebrity.

Hoffman:  Some celebrity!  I was broke.  Nobody bought my book!

Rubin:  Hey, stupid, it’s your own fault!  You shouldn’t have called it “Steal This Book!” 

Obama:  You guys think I’m gonna commit suicide, too?

Hoffman:  Your next dream will tell you. 

Second dream:

It’s a scene right out of Macbeth, Shakespeare’s play.  Three ugly old witches are making some kind of stew in a huge black kettle.  Their faces are hidden.  Suddenly, they turn around and face Obama.  Sure enough, they are Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Nancy Pelosi, and Maxine Waters.

Obama:  Will I commit suicide like Abbie Hoffman did?

Wasserman-Schultz:  You’re invincible.  No man born of woman will ever replace you.  You’ll be President of the United States forever! 

Pelosi:  Well, not forever.  You’ll eventually die.

Obama:  Hey, I’m worried about dying too soon.  I’m especially worried about Joe Biden.  Will he ever replace me so he can become President?

Waters:  Don’t worry.  Remember what Wasserman-Schultz told you—No man born of woman will ever replace you.

Obama:  Will the generals in the Pentagon support me?  Or will they start a revolution against me?

Pelosi:  You’ll be safe—that is, until the Woods of Lafayette Park come across the street to the White Castle, er, the White House.  Sorry, I’m hungry, and I just love those White Castle hamburgers!

Third dream:

Obama disrupts the Republican convention in Tampa, loses the election, and declares himself emperor before Romney’s inauguration.  Half of the Pentagon’s generals support him, and half try to get rid of him.  Joe Biden goes into hiding in plain sight—across the street from the White House in Lafayette Park.  Eventually, he decides to go talk to Obama in person at the White House and picks some flowers as a gift to Michelle.  Obama decides to let him in.

Obama:  Thanks for the flowers.  I’ll give them to Michelle. 

When Obama turns around to call Michelle, Biden hands him an arrest warrant for fraud and treason.  The crying Obama says:

Joe, you're a back-stabbing bastard! But the three witches said that no man born of woman will ever replace me.  Did the witches lie?

Biden laughs and says:  Barry, I was delivered by C-section!

Remember, this is only a fairy tale…or is it?

 Copyright (c) 2012 by Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon

Final note from Don Hendon;  Thanks for the inspiration, Diana! 


 

In Dr. Donald W. Hendon's book, 365 Powerful Ways to Influence, you learn to use 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive tactics, 24 cooperative tactics, 16 submissive tactics, and 81 dirty tricks to get what you want from other people—plus 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them.  There are many political examples.  Learn more about his book at www.DonaldHendon.com.  Download Chapter 1 there, free of charge.  And watch for his latest book, co-authored by Jay Conrad Levinson.  Titled Guerrilla Deal-Making, It contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways.  It’s available for pre-order right now at Amazon.com.