Obama Pops Blisters, Bursts Pimples, and Lances Boils—A Fractured Fairy Table
By Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon
DonaldHendon.com
Obama has gotten into the habit of watching the
movie Obama 2016 late at night, thinking it will prepare him for the
leisurely days of campaigning ahead. He’s glad
Congress is in recess, so they won’t bother him with
bills they want him to sign. He doesn’t read them
anyway. As usual, he’s munching on some fried
chicken from Chick Fil-A. He always has several
buckets of Chick Fil-A on hand at the White House
and on Air Force One. His faithful and ever-obedient
Secret Service agents get them from his favorite
store in Bethesda. He thinks, “I’m more powerful
than Elvis ever was. He made sure his maid kept
peanut butter and banana sandwiches in his
refrigerator for late-night snacks. He ruled just a
few acres in Memphis. I’m the emperor of the entire
United States. And I’ve got buckets and buckets of
Chick Fil-A, 24-7.”
Michelle walks into the bedroom in a skimpy
nightgown, sees her husband sticking his hands into
two buckets of chicken simultaneously, and walks out
immediately with a look of disgust and contempt on
her face. On her way to her separate bedroom, she
thinks to herself, “I’m tired of his chicken-greasy
hands touching me. Gotta take a bath right away. And
I’m getting tired of all those pimples, blisters,
and boils he’s starting to get all over his body. I
wonder if it’s all that fried chicken he’s been
eating lately or if a
curandera put a curse on him.”
Obama falls asleep while
Obama 2016
is still playing. Three half-empty buckets of fried
chicken are on Michelle’s side of the bed. Every now
and then, he wakes up, reaches for a drumstick,
munches, and falls asleep again.
About 5 a.m., he wakes up and goes to the bathroom.
He thinks to himself, “I’m glad I installed all
these full-length mirrors in the bathroom. I like
looking at myself naked. I’m 50 years old now, and
I’ve still got the body of a 20-year old.” He
reaches for a chicken wing from the Chick Fil-A
bucket on the dressing table and notices he’s
starting to get a bunch of pimples on his face. He
scratches his ass and notices he’s got several boils
and blisters there—much more than usual. “What’s
going on?” he thinks to himself.
He goes back to bed and has this dream:
He’s in agony. His body is full of pimples, boils,
and blisters. His face is so full of pimples, it’s
hard to see his lips. They’re starting to swell up.
He summons the Three Musketeers to use their magic
swords to pop his blisters, burst his pimples, and
lance his boils.
They come into the bedroom—Poco Loco, Mas Loco, and
Estabien Loco. They’re in musketeer costumes,
feathered hats and all, and they carry swords. As
they get closer, Obama recognizes their faces—Harry
Reid is Poco Loco, Clueless Joe Biden is Mas Loco,
and Nancy Pelosi in drag is Estabien Loco.
They use their magic swords, but Obama’s pimples
won’t burst. The blisters and boils are still there,
and it’s getting worse. Now, he’s even starting to
get warts in his armpits and on the bottom of his
feet. He thinks, “How can I play golf like this? It
hurts too much to walk. Maybe I should ask my
daughter Malia for advice. She’s 14 and has acne all
over her face.”
Malia suggests using baking soda and water. “If that
doesn’t work, try putting toothpaste on your
pimples, daddy. It works for me.”
Obama wakes up, gets some baking soda, mixes it with
water, and puts it on the left side of his face. He
puts toothpaste on the right side of his face. He
gets a needle and starts trying to burst his
pimples, lance his boils, and pop his blisters. He
thinks, “Hey, I think I’ll make a speech saying that
re-electing me is like popping a blister—it hurts
like hell at first, but then things eventually get
better. Maybe I’ll use John Cougar Mellencamp’s song
from the 1980s,
Hurts So Good,
as my official campaign song. I was in my 20s
when it came out—I always liked it”
On the other side of the world, in the Nairobi slum
known as Huruma, where Obama’s half-brother George,
lives, it’s already 4 pm. George, drunk as usual on
chang’aa, is being interviewed by a Mexican
newspaper about his brother.
George: How much are you going to pay me for this
interview? The more you pay, the more I say.
Reporter: I’m not going to pay you much, unless you
say something that’s so new, so sensational that
it’ll make headlines all over the world. And we
already know your brother ignores you and sends you
no money—that’s
not news anymore. Give me something
different.
George: OK, I think you’ll like this. Let me go next
door and get my witch doctor friend. What do you
call witch doctors in Spanish?
Reporter:
Curanderas.
George and the witch doctor come back in.
Reporter: Why did you bring the
curandera
with you, George? And why does he look so much like
Al Sharpton?
George: This is Al’s half-brother. Just like I’m
pissed off at Barack for ignoring me, my witch
doctor buddy is pissed off at Al for ignoring him
all these years. Tell the Mexican reporter what you
did.
Witch doctor: George makes the best bootleg chang’aa
in town! He gives his home brew of millet, maize,
and sorghum an extra kick by putting just the right
amount of battery acid in it. As long as he keeps
giving me free chang’aa, I’ll keep my curse on his
brother Barack.
Reporter: What kind of curse?
Witch doctor: I gave him a bad case of pimples,
boils, and blisters. He’ll never get rid of them.
The funny thing is, he thinks he got them from
eating too much fried chicken.
Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a consultant, speaker,
trainer, and author of 8 books, including
365
Powerful Ways to Influence and the
forthcoming
Guerrilla Deal-Making.
Deal-Making,
co-authored by Jay Conrad Levinson, is now available
for pre-purchase on Amazon.com. It contains the 100
most powerful tactics from
365 Powerful Ways—along with 400 countermeasures. There are
121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive ones, 24
cooperative ones, and 16 submissive ones to get what
you want from other people. Plus 81 dirty tricks to
watch out for and 31 tactics to prepare you for your
interaction with them. Download Chapter 1, free of
charge, at
www.DonaldHendon.com. Play his free online
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www.DonaldHendon.com/NegotiationPoker. Apps
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