When Charlie Sheen Met Anthony Weiner, John Edwards, Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, and Barack Obama: Another Fractured Fairy Tale
On May 6, 2011, Obama flew to Las Vegas to meet with
Charlie Sheen at the Paris Hotel to get his advice.
Charlie pocketed $500,000 for that advice.
(For details, see my May 6 article on
StupidFrogs.org,
“When Obama Met Charlie Sheen:
A Fractured Fairy Tale,”)
After NY Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted
he had really sent those lewd photos to the Seattle
college student, Charlie thought he could make even
more money giving Weiner some advice.
He called Weiner, and they set up a meeting
in Los Angeles on June 8.
Today’s fractured fairy tale is about what
happened at that meeting.
Wearing a disguise, Weiner knocks on Sheen’s door at
1 am on June 8.
Sheen and three other people meet him at the
door—John Edwards, Bill Clinton, and Barack Obama.
Here’s how the conversation went:
Obama:
Welcome to Charlie’s pad, Weiner.
Weiner told me, Bill Clinton, and John
Edwards about the meeting, and we all decided to
show up.
Bill and John came along with me on Air Force One.
Hope you don’t mind.
Charlie gave me some great advice about how
to look more macho, and I used it.
Now, nobody thinks I’m bisexual anymore.
Weiner:
Gee, fellows, I’m overwhelmed.
Thanks for showing up.
Sheen:
Let’s talk by the swimming pool.
They walk to the patio overlooking Sheen’s swimming
pool, sit down and begin drinking beer.
Weiner:
Charlie, I know why you invited Bill Clinton and
John Edwards here.
All three of us are big liars.
But why did Obama come?
Obama:
Let me tell him, Charlie.
On May 6, I was worried about news reports
that a few people said I looked bisexual.
I wanted to look more macho—like Charlie.
Charlie told me I’m too perfect.
That I always look like I’m out on a date.
He told me to lose my ego, stop being a
perfectionist, and add a few flaws—like not smiling
as much, getting a pot belly, lowering the pitch of
my voice, stop dressing so well, maybe even grow a
beard.
And the best advice Charlie gave me was to start
eating greasy, fattening foods so I could add a few
pimples to that big mole on my face.
It worked.
But the main reason I’m here is that I’m the
biggest liar of all.
Don’t get me started on that…
Weiner:
Huh?
Clinton:
Cheer up, Weiner.
I was caught lying about not having sex with
Monica Lewinsky, and I made out all right.
I wasn’t impeached, and I have this huge
presidential library in Little Rock.
Edwards:
Don’t listen to Clinton.
Look what happened to me when I lied about
not having sex with Rielle Hunter.
There’s no way in hell I’ll ever get elected
to anything again.
And I’ll probably go to jail for using
campaign funds to pay for the cover-up.
The only library I’ll ever see is the one in
the jailhouse.
Obama:
Don’t listen to Edwards.
He lied for several months.
Weiner, you only lied for a week.
And I’ll make sure you get into a minimum
security jail, with daily saunas, sexy masseuses,
internet access, and a really big library.
I want you to be able to read those books
Bill Ayers, er, I mean,
I
wrote, The Audacity of Hope and
Dreams from
My Father.
Weiner:
(Sigh)
Yeah, I’ll have plenty of time for that.
Clinton:
Cheer up, Weiner.
You’re a better liar than I am.
Hell, I read that I touched my nose 26 times
a minute when I lied about Monica.
Weiner:
Where did you read that?
Clinton:
In Don Hendon’s book,
365 Powerful Ways to Influence.
It’s dirty trick number 55.
And I found out in his book that I used 16 of
the 19 body language movements that indicate a lie
when I testified under oath about Monica.
It’s a wonder I wasn’t impeached.
I watched several of your press conferences
on June 2, 3, 4, and 5.
You didn’t look like you were lying.
You’re much better at lying than I am…or was.
I don’t lie anymore.
Weiner:
Why not?
Clinton:
Because Hillary read Hendon’s book, too.
Sheen:
Hey, Weiner, don’t pay any attention to Clinton.
You came to
me
for advice.
Not to Clinton.
Not to Edwards.
And you came to the right person.
Nobody’s better at womanizing than I am.
My advice to you is this—Be proud of what you
did! Not
ashamed!
When it comes to women, I’m a winner.
I reach out and touch someone.
And everybody knows it.
That gets me even more women.
You’re too afraid to touch.
Instead, you hide behind your computer screen
and send out messages.
Most people cheat on their spouses.
Go after the cheater’s vote—it’s the biggest
bloc of voters there is!
Edwards:
Maybe that’s what I should have done instead of
paying off Rielle Hunter.
Sheen:
Yeah, Edwards.
You’re a loser, and Weiner’s a loser, too.
Obama:
Don’t be too hard on them, Charlie.
You told me on May that I came across as too
perfect.
You advised me to get a pot belly and get a few
pimples on my face.
That worked—but, remember, your advice was
about making me look more macho, not about how to
lie.
Charlie’s valet brings in Eliot Spitzer.
Spitzer:
Hi, everybody.
What did I miss?
Weiner:
What’s happening?
How many more people are going to show up?
Sheen:
Shut up, Weiner.
I invited Spitzer.
He’s a womanizer, but he’s not a liar.
He admitted paying prostitutes for sex.
Spitzer:
Yeah, but I didn’t want to admit it until the IRS
and FBI caught me with my pants down—again!
It was that damn North Fork Bank and the HSBC
Bank.
They notified the IRS that I paid Ashley Dupre and
The Emperors Club.
I thought I could get away with it by calling
myself “George Fox,” but that didn’t work.
Weiner:
So, what kind of advice do you have for me, Eliot?
Spitzer:
Turn your losses into gains—turn a catastrophe into
a trophy.
(Assertive tactic 117 in Hendon’s book.)
I got a big-paying job at CNN News!
You can, too.
Maybe not at CNN.
But at MSNBC.
You’re even more abrasive than Chris
Matthews!
Weiner:
Any other advice?
Spitzer:
Only this:
The next time you wear a disguise, don’t wear
a clown costume!
Then again, maybe it’s appropriate!
Noted consultant, speaker, and trainer Donald Hendon is the author of 365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Download chapter 1 free of charge at www.donaldhendon.com. There are 6 kinds of tactics: Assertive (121 of them), defensive (92), submissive (16), cooperative (24), dirty tricks (81), plus 31 tactics to prepare you for your negotiations. Don lives in Mesquite, Nevada, near Las Vegas.