A Fractured Fairy Tale: When Losing Democrats Hold a Reunion in 2011

In God We Trust

A Fractured Fairy Tale: When Losing Democrats Hold a Reunion in 2011

By Dr. Donald W. Hendon

Here’s what may happen when a band of losers—all disgraced Democrats—have a reunion in August 2011.

Background information: Republican landslide in both House and Senate in 2010. In 2011, Obama and Biden are impeached and found guilty. New house speaker Michelle Bachmann becomes President, appoints Newt Gingrich Vice President, and Sarah Palin as secretary of state.

Nancy Pelosi, talking to no one in particular: (Sigh) I really miss my corporate jet. I’m living in an abandoned school bus in East Palo Alto now. (Bigger sigh) Finally got job as a cleaning lady. Charlie Rangel gave it to me. But he fired me. I wasn’t any good.

Maxine Walters: Well, he was right. After all, you failed at cleaning up the House when you were Speaker. It’s a shame Charlie couldn’t be here with us today. He said he couldn’t get away. Too much business to take care of back home in the Bahamas. Wish I had been as smart as he was—I was convicted and impeached just like he was for funneling TARP money to my husband’s OneUnited Bank. Didn’t squirrel away any money overseas like the rest of you did.

Roland Burris: Well, at least Charlie had a place to go to after he was impeached and convicted. He had all those millions hidden away down there in the Bahamas. And he can continue to evade US taxes there. I hear he keeps a yacht in Rhode Island, just like John Kerry.

Barbara Boxer: Yeah, Charlie did pretty good but Obama did better than any of us. You remember what happened after that serial liar granted all illegal aliens citizenship with a stroke of a pen—he was impeached and convicted. His old buddy Felipe Calderon, the Mexican president, gave him a mansion in Mexico City. Plays golf in that great weather every day in Chapultepec Park.

Henry Waxman: And lies like a fiend about his golf score, too. He still makes monthly appearances on The View and always brags about his low scores. Wish I could go on The View—but Joy Behar thinks I’m too ugly.

Jesse Jackson Jr: Face it, Henry, you are ugly. You look like an evil Mr. Potato Head. Anyway, Obama’s gotta lie about something—it’s in his nature. He can’t very well lie about his bowling score. Everybody knows he sucks at bowling.

Blanche Lincoln: Does he suck at sipping oil out of a straw, too?

Pete Stark: Sometimes I wish I was Obama. After I told some guy at a tea party meeting in my San Francisco district that I wouldn’t waste my urine by pissing on his leg, I lost my re-election. Now people piss on my leg because I ended up being a men’s room attendant at the San Francisco airport. Gee, I was in the House for over 35 years! Ungrateful bastards!

Joe Biden: That reminds me, Pete. After a chance meeting in a men’s room with Dick Cheney—we had a REAL pissing contest—I realized I was very well-endowed…almost as much as the big dog himself. So I used my talent. Got more hair plugs, dyed my hair a nice shade of red, and went back to doing what I did best—being a smooth-talking, charming con man. I became a flight attendant and started conning elderly women out of their assets.

Barney Frank: Yeah, I thought you looked younger. Wow, so you’re a flight attendant. Maybe you can help me. My gay male escort service isn’t doing that well. Maybe you can give me the names of some of guys you work with on the airplanes.

Joe Biden, winking: Sure. Let’s get together later, big boy.

Alan Grayson: Biden and I went into similar careers. I made out like a bandit, too. My one term in Congress prepared me for what I’ve always done best—being a con man. I moved from Orlando to Phoenix, got a house abandoned by an illegal alien, and conned a buddy of mine out of his share in a funeral parlor. I’m an undertaker now. Lots of old people in Arizona. When their relatives come to me, I keep thinking of what I said about the Republican health care plan—die, you bastards, die!

Anthony (Meltdown Man) Weiner: Well, I shouldn’t have gone ballistic on the House floor in July 2010, yelling and screaming at Republican Congressman Peter King. That cost me my job. Like you, I didn’t get re-elected I had a good run, though—12 years in the House, making a lot of money on the side and hiding it from the IRS. After I lost the election, that horny old Al Gore gave me great advice: “Make a power point presentation on any topic. Call in favors from your friends in the left-wing media. They’ll give you a lot of publicity. You’ll end up with a Nobel Prize, just like me.” So I did it. I made a power-point on controlling your anger, and my spies tell me the Nobel Prize guys in Norway are strongly considering me. Hell, Obama was nominated for his Nobel Prize after only 11 days in office. I’m a lot more qualified than he ever was. Never could figure out how that smooth-talking liar became president.

Jerry Nadler: By the way, when’s Obama moving to Dubai?

Arlen Specter: Teleprompter Man’s not moving into his palace there just yet. I hear he’s waiting till the indoor 18-hole golf course the ruler of Dubai, Sheik Mohammed bin Rashid, is building for him is finished. That’s when he’ll ditch Mexico.

Kirsten Gillibrand: Well, Barack Hussein Obama will feel more at home in Dubai than in Mexico, that’s for sure.

Bart Stupak sees John Dingel, and says: John, you were first elected to the House in 1955. You’ve seen a lot of presidents. Who had the phoniest smile—Obama or Jimmy Carter?

John Dingel: Well, I know a lot about body language. You use a lot fewer facial muscles to smile than to frown, so it’s easy to fake a smile. Carter’s phony smile didn’t last more than about 5 seconds. Obama’s lasts about 15 to 20 seconds. So he has the phoniest smile. And he was the bigger liar of the two as well.

Harry Reid shows up late. He looks around the table and thinks, “What a bunch of losers. I’m glad I’m from Vegas. I got a good job as a card dealer at the Bellagio. Wish my son, Rory, had won the governorship instead of that Republican, Brian Sandoval. Rory could have given me a job in his administration.” After greeting everybody, he says, “Hey, where’s Al Gore? He wasn’t in the private jet he sent for me to make the trip here.”

Nancy Pelosi, sighing once again: He told me he had a date with a sexy Filipina masseuse and would show up later. Glad he bribed those Oregon prosecutors so he wasn’t prosecuted for allegedly raping that masseuse. I don’t think he’d last long in jail. He’s too good-looking. I wonder who’s hornier—Al Gore or Bill Clinton. Which reminds me, what’s Hillary doing these days?

Jennifer Granholm: Gee, Nancy, you’re full of questions. Well, after President Michelle Bachmann fired Hillary as Secretary of State and appointed Sara Palin in her place, she divorced Bill and took all his money. I guess she’s doing what she always did best—absolutely nothing! And speaking of the Clintons, what’s that other serial liar, Bill, doing these days?

Russ Feingold: Maybe he moved in with Nancy and is living with her in her school bus in East Palo Alto.

Joe Sestak: Yeah, we’ve fallen pretty low when even Al Franken calls us a laughing stock. He ought to know—he’s a professional comedian.

Dennis Kucinich: I thought he was a professional laughing stock. He took over that title from me, thank goodness.

Charlie Crist: Well, let’s be honest with ourselves, Dennis, even if we were never honest with our constituents. We lost our jobs, but thank God Obama was impeached and convicted before he fundamentally transformed the US. Even though most of us here are out of work, the US is still a great place to live!

Steny Hoyer: Yeah, and we still have our federal pensions! (laughter)

More small talk. More booze and food. The reunion ended with this refrain, drunkenly sung to the melody of “The Farmer in the Dell.”

It’s all Bush’s fault.

Hi-ho, the merry-oh,

It’s all Bush’s fault.

Well, it almost ended. Right after the singing was over, Alvin Greene says: Gee, I didn’t understand any of this. Where am I, anyway?

Dina Titus: You’re still in the Twilight Zone, buddy. You ain’t in South Carolina anymore!

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Ridicule is one of the tactics in my latest book, 365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Even though I think ridicule is a dirty trick (number 30), I sure felt good when I wrote this satire. I hope you had as much fun reading this as I had writing it. For more, please go to www. donaldhendon.com, where you’ll learn about using 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive tactics, 24 cooperative tactics, 16 submissive tactics, and 81 dirty tricks to get what you want from other people—plus 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them.