Barack the Barbarian Hijacks Malaysian Air Flight 370 - A Very Different Kind of Fractured Fairy Tale - An Adventure

By Dr. Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com

Oh-bummer’s speshul-weshul guy Kal Penn, the former White House Head of Public Engagement, noticed Barry was getting more and more bored with him—and with life in general. Their snuggling lacked a certain something. He knew Barry’s ego was massive—humungous, even. Kal thought massaging that ego would make Barry a little more receptive to his snuggling efforts. So he gave Barry 15 comic books with him in the lead role: Spiderman 583. Archie 616 and 617. Veronica 199. Savage Dragon 137 and 145. AirGear (a manga comic featuring US President John Omaha, 2008). BombQueen 6. Youngblood 9. Drafted (Devil’s Due, 2009). And all 5 issues of Barack the Barbarian (also from Devil’s Due, 2009). 

That didn’t work, though. That’s because reading the comics made Oh-bummer’s ego even bigger. He had always liked Conan the Barbarian—ever since he was a kid. And that’s why he tried so hard to convert Arnold Schwarzenegger into becoming a Democrat. And so after reading Barack the Barbarian, he started strutting around the White House like a superhero. And instead of foreplay, he wanted to fall asleep at night as soon as he got into bed. He looked forward to his dreams, because they all featured him as a superhero president!

Here’s a dream he had in mid-March 2014:

Barack the Barbarian went undercover in Afghanistan. He joined the Taliban and became its commander-in-chief—a superhero successor to Osama bin Laden himself. In February 2014, he and his sinister Gang of Four ambushed an American convoy carrying the sophisticated electronic system used to control pilot-less drones in the area. It weighed 16 tons. If it fell into the hands of America’s enemies, all American drones would be worthless.

The Taliban needed money for its world-wide terrorism operations. Barack the Barbarian tried to sell the system to the Russians, but they were too busy in the Ukraine. The Barbarian had better luck with the Chinese. They sent 10 of their top scientists to Afghanistan to check out the command-and-control system. After a few days, the Chinese agreed to pay the Barbarian $1 billion.

So in March, the 10 Chinese scientists packed the 16-ton system into 16 crates. Where would they take it? The cunning Barbarian said, “The best place is your embassy on Jalan Ampang in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. From there, you can ship it by air to Beijing.”

The dumb Chinese agreed. But they should have gotten suspicious. That was one hell of a detour! After all, Afghanistan and China shared a small common border, between Pakistan and Tajikistan. It would have been a lot faster to take it by land directly to China! But the Barbarian was a smooth talker and liar. (Just like Oh-bummer, the President is!)

So the Chinese took it by land to Kuala Lumpur and stored it at their embassy. The Barbarian suggested they transport it by civilian aircraft to Beijing. That wouldn’t look  suspicious. And the direct flight from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing was less than 5 hours. The Barbarian said, “Even if the Americans find out, they won’t hijack the plane because they would never harm civilians.”

But the Barbarian was working behind the scenes with 5 American CIA agents. He made sure the 16-ton cargo was put on Malaysian Airlines flight 370 on March 8, 2014. The flight had 227 passengers from 14 nations. Eight of the passengers were major scientists working for China’s defense department. The 5 CIA agents were on board, posing as passengers.

After takeoff, the CIA agents released nerve gas which put all passengers to sleep. The first thing they did was jam the airborne and control system (AWAC) signals. That’s because airports on the ground could use the AWAC signals to remotely-control the airplane’s flight in case of a hijacking. Then, the agents disabled the pilot control system, and switched over to remote control. They switched off the transponder and other communication systems, changed course, turned around 180 degrees and flew westward. They didn’t fly east to Guam or to Clark Air Force Base in Angeles City in the friendly Philippines. Why not? Because the entire South China Sea air space was covered by Chinese surveillance radar and satellites.

The CIA agents kept The Barbarian informed of all that was happening. He was pleased with the events. He knew they were heading toward Diego Garcia, the US air base in the middle of the Indian Ocean. Sure enough, Malaysian flight 370 flew over North Sumatra, landed briefly on isolated Diego Garcia island, then arrived at Diego Garcia. They tied up all the drugged passengers and unloaded the 16-ton cargo. The plane then took off, by remote control. Its course would lead to a crash-landing at sea.

The Barbarian was very, very pleased. He knew the world would believe that Malaysian flight 370 eventually ran out of fuel and crashed.

However, the plane didn’t crash. It actually landed on Gilligan’s Island. Ginger, Mary Ann, and Mrs. Howell nursed the passengers back to health. Gilligan, the Professor, the Skipper, and Thurston Howell contacted the authorities using the airplane’s communication system. All the passengers—and the stranded cast of Gilligan’s Island—were flown to the Los Angeles International Airport and received a hero’s welcome. Barack the Barbarian was tortured and killed by the CIA. 

That’s when Oh-bummer woke up. He couldn’t remember most of his complicated dream—just the part about his role with his beloved Taliban as Barack the Barbarian. He had a big smile on his face. He called his speshul-weshul Kal Penn on the phone and told him all about it.

And, of course, Kal was pleased that Oh-bummer was pleased. He looked forward to the very speshul-weshul evening ahead.

Copyright (c) 2014 by Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon

 Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a consultant, speaker, trainer, and author of 14 books, including The Way of the Warrior in Business, Guerrilla Deal-Making (with Jay Conrad Levinson) and 365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Jay Levinson recently passed away. He specifically chose Don to be his final co-author—the person most qualified to  carry the torch of guerrilla marketing into the 21st century. Deal-Making contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways—along with 400 winning countermeasures. There are 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive ones, 24 cooperative ones, and 16 submissive ones to get what you want from other people. Plus 81 dirty tricks to watch out for and 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them. Download Chapter 1, free of charge, at www.DonaldHendon.com. Play Don’s free online Negotiation Poker game by going to GuerrillaDon.com. Apps will soon be available.