By Dr. Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com

In my last Fractured Fairy Tale, Jimmy Carter and George H. W. Bush were talking about lying presidents, especially Bill Clinton and Barack Obama. Eventually, the conversation got around to the phony social security number Obama is using.

Bush: Did you say Vladimir Putin is gonna blow the lid off the Harrison J. Bounel scandal? Isn’t Bounel the dead guy from Connecticut whose social security number Oh-Bummer’s been using for years and years?

Carter: That’s what my contacts in Russia tell me. Putin can’t stand Oh-Bummer. He wants to humiliate him. The fastest way is to get him impeached, convicted, removed from office, and thrown in jail. Russia wants him out of the way so that Clueless Joe Biden can become president. Joe was so stupid as a kid that his parents actually gave him a two-piece puzzle for Christmas. That was all he could handle! He couldn’t even put together a three-piece puzzle! Putin knows he can pull the wool over that idiot Biden’s eyes.

Bush: Sure, anybody can. Even you! (Long pause) But what do you mean, you have contacts in Russia? I thought all you did these days was get treated for your hemorrhoids and help build houses for Habitat for Humanity.

Carter: I’m just following in the footsteps of the Master Carpenter, Our Lord. And I like to keep busy. You’d be surprised how much I know and how many contacts I have. They’re all over the place. For instance, my contacts in the White House told me that Brigadier General Jeffrey Sinclair resigned from the Army just in time last week. He got off with a $20,000 fine and no jail time after sexually assaulting a lot of women.

Bush: What do you mean, just in time?

Carter: He resigned just before Eric Holder could raise the most serious charge of all—long sideburns! Against Army regulations!

Bush thinks to himself, “Jimmy really likes to stay on top of things. His wife Rosalyn told me she wishes he wasn’t valedictorian of his high school class back in Plains, Georgia. That gave him a big head—he thought he was smarter than anybody else in the world, so he became the world’s biggest micro-manager, even overseeing the White House tennis courts schedule. But there were only 16 students in his high school graduating class. Being valedictorian in a class of 1,000 means you’re smart. Valedictorian in a class of 16 out in the sticks…well…”

Finally, Bush snaps out of his thoughts and asks Carter, “So what did Putin tell you about Oh-Bummer’s phony social security number?”

Carter: Well, Putin’s playing it smart. He’s not showing his hand. He’s using a woman in southern California. She’s originally from Russia, and she’s both a dentist and attorney. Her name is Orly something or other. She’s been filing a lot of lawsuits over the last few years, trying to show that Oh-Bummer is using Harry Bounel’s social security number, 042-68-4425.

Bush: So the dude is using some dead guy’s social security number. To quote Horrible Hillary Clinton, “What difference does it make?”

Carter: Well, you need to have a birth certificate to get a social security card from the Social Security office. Oh-Bummer didn’t have a card, and he needed one in 1977.

Bush: Why did he need a card back in 1977?

Carter: He was a pimply-faced 16 years old punk that summer. He needed money for crack and weed. And so he applied for a summer job at the Baskin-Robbins ice cream store on 1618 South King Street in Honolulu. They told him, “Show us your social security card first.” He didn’t have one. 

Bush: Why didn’t he have a social security card?

Carter: Well, if you weren’t born in the US, you need at least 2 original documents which prove your identity, age, and work-authorized immigration status. That last form comes only from the Immigration people. It used to be called the INS. Now, I think it’s called CIS—Citizenship and Immigration Services, or something like that.

Bush: You’re so full of dull details. Let’s get back to the juicy stuff.

Carter: OK. So, anyway, Oh-Bummer was really born in Kenya and didn’t have a Hawaii birth certificate.

Bush: Hey, Jimmy, I read somewhere that he did have a Hawaii birth certificate.

Carter: Well, in 2011, the state Director of Health, a gal named Loretta Fuddy, did certify that she witnessed the copying of what she called Oh-Bummer’s “original” Hawaii birth certificate.

Bush: But wasn’t the “original” birth certificate a forgery in the first place?

Carter: Yeah, it probably was. Oh-Bummer posted his “original” birth certificate on the White House website on April 27, 2011. That’s the one he got from Loretta Fuddy. Two experts on forgery, Douglas Vogt and Paul Ivey, said the birth certificate was forged—in 20 places. They filed an affidavit about it in October 2013. But Fuddy wasn’t able to testify in court about it.

Bush: Why not?

Carter: Because less than two months later, she died in a plane crash in Hawaii. The other 8 people on the small plane survived.

Bush: Very mysterious, huh? Just like Andrew Brietbart’s heart attack on March 1, 2012. He was only 43. It was the night before he was going to release some kind of evidence about Obama, and…

Carter, interrupting: What do you think, George?

Note to readers: How mysterious was it? Find out tomorrow. Read the conclusion to this three-part fractured fairy tale in tomorrow’s Stupid Frogs. Yes, the fairy tale will conclude, but the Oh-Bummer scandals will keep going on and on and on…

Copyright (c) 2014 by Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon