Michell Plots to Divorce Obama the Post Turtle While He's Fulfilling His Duty in Saudi Arabia - A Fractured Fairy Tale - Part 1

By Dr. Donald W. Hendon
Donaled Hendon.com

It’s the middle of March. Barack and Michelle are arguing as usual.

Michelle: I wanna get out of Washington. I’m fed up with the cold weather—and fed up with you!

Barry: I’m fed up, too. I’m going to Saudi Arabia. I don’t care where you go.

Michelle: I’d like to go to China. Beijing and Chengdu. It’s warm there, too, just like in Riyadh.

Barry: Why don’t you just go to hell! It’s very warm there. What excuse will you use to go to China?

Michelle: Who cares? I’ll talk to students about American values, whatever that means. I’ll take mama with me.

Barry: Great! I can’t stand that Maria!

Michelle: Her name’s Marian.

Barry: Who cares!

Michelle: Whatcha gonna do in Saudi? 

Barry: Well, I’ve never made the Hajj Pilgrimage to Mecca. As a Muslim, I’ve gotta do that at least once in my life!

Michelle: Hey, stupid, the Hajj this year is the first week of October. You should know that! You may be above American law, but you’re not above Muslim law!

Barry: No sweat. I’ll give the royal family a few billion dollars to change the date of the Hajj. I’ll just take it out of petty cash.

Time passes. It’s the middle of March. Michelle, Malia, Sasha, and mama Marian Robinson are on the plane to China, while Barry and his speshul-weshul guy Kal Penn fly to Saudi Arabia. Michelle’s playing an old song. Her eyes fill with tears as she hears Nancy Wilson sing:

You're so late getting home from the office

Did you miss your train?

Where you caught in the rain?

No, don't bother to explain

Can I fix you a quick martini?

As a matter of fact

I'll have one with you

For to tell you the truth

I've had quite a day too

Guess who I saw today, my dear

I went in town to shop around for something new

And thought I'd stop and have a bite when I was through

The waiter showed me to a dark, secluded corner

And when my eyes became accustomed to the gloom

I saw two people at the bar who were so in love

That even I could spot it clear across the room

Guess who I saw today, my dear

I've never been so shocked before

I headed blindly through the door

They didn't see me passing through

Guess who I saw today?

I saw you!

Sasha: Why do you play that song so often, mommy? You always cry when you hear it.

Michelle: Well, I never told you this before. But I guess you’re old enough to know the truth. That actually happened to me—I saw daddy with his boyfriend at a restaurant. That’s when I first found out he’s gay.

Mama Marian chimes in: Why don’t you just divorce the guy?

Michelle: And give up this lifestyle? Hell, no! I’m not giving it up. Maybe in January 2017 after he’s no longer President.

Mama Marian: I thought you told me he’s going to declare himself Emperor before then! I know my son-in-law. He’ll do anything to hang on to power. I just don’t understand it! I’ve never seen anybody so incompetent! The only guy more incompetent than Barry is that snake-handling preacher who died after getting bitten by a snake at the Full Gospel Tabernacle in Middlesboro, Kentucky, last month.

Michelle: Yeah, Barry screws up everything he does as President! How can he even think of being president after his eight years is up?

Malia: I know why he thinks he’ll still be president. It’s because most Americans are stupid! I read a few days ago that one in four Americans don’t even know the earth revolves around the sun.

Sasha: Yeah, but most Americans know there are 50 states, not 57!

Mama Marian: I know why he wants to hang on to power. He told me once, “I’m worried about legal bills after I’m out of office. I’ll be sued right and left for breaking the law—I’ve broken the law over 700 times since I became president. I don’t want to end up like George Zimmerman—out of work, homeless, suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, and owing millions of dollars to lawyers.”

Michelle: Billions, actually! Well, when that happens, it won’t affect me! I’ll divorce him as soon as he’s out of office. He’s too clueless and incompetent to stay in office after two terms. He’s like a post turtle.

Mama Marian: What’s a post turtle? And why is Barry like a post turtle?

Sasha: I know the answer to that one! A post turtle is a turtle sitting on top of a fence post. You know he didn’t get up there by himself. He doesn’t belong up there. He doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there. He’s elevated beyond his ability to function. And you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with!

Michelle: Yeah, there sure are a lot of dumb-ass Americans!

Mama Marian: Except in the Tea Party!

Michelle starts shivering at the very thought of the Tea Party. What does mama Marian do to cheer her up? Stay tuned for tomorrow’s Fractured Fairy Tale.

Copyright (c) 2014 by Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon