Nasty Nancy Pelosi Finally Gets Defeated - Thanks to Betty White and Johnny Cash - A Fracture Fairy Tale

By Dr. Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com 

Nasty Nancy Pelosi was bored. She always won re-election in San Francisco, but it was too easy. Halloween was approaching, and the 2014 election was four days after that. She thought she’d make news by trying to convince her polar opposites, or, as she called them, her scumbag enemies, to vote for her. She decided to crash the San Francisco Young Republicans’ monthly happy hour at the Stock in Trade Tavern on Lombard Street in the Marina-Cow Hollow district.

She told her husband Paul about her plans. He suggested, “You’re too well-known. They’ll never let you in. You’re their enemy.”

He thought for a while and then said, “Hey, I’ve got an idea. This month’s Young Republicans’ Happy Hour is just before Halloween. Everybody will be in disguise. You can go in disguise, too.”

Nasty Nancy: What kind of disguise? What will cover up my 69 facelifts?

Paul: It’s simple, Your Nastiness! Put on a Betty White mask!

Nasty Nancy: That’s a great idea, Paul. It’ll even make me look younger. After all, Betty’s 25 years younger than me!

So she put on a Betty White mask and went happy-hour-ing. And that was the beginning of the end of Nasty Nancy’s political career. She was the only left-winger at the tavern, and her natural venom attracted a lot of attention. Eventually, somebody unmasked her. The unmasking went viral on You Tube. This created a sensation in the press. Lovable Betty White appeared on TV the next day, crying. She said, “I’m so humiliated! How could that nasty woman do this to me? What have I ever done to her?”

Betty’s tears became the last straw! Even liberal-to-the-extreme San Francisco couldn’t stand Nasty Nancy anymore. She got defeated big-time. Not by John Dennis, the Republican she had beaten twice before. David Letterman, who had quit his Late Night TV show, moved to San Francisco just in time to get on the ballot as a Republican. He beat the hell out of her—96 percent to 4 percent. Even her husband voted for Letterman!  

Right after the election, he divorced her and took all their money. Including her bribes and payoffs which she had stashed in overseas banks. Penniless, Nasty Nancy moved into an abandoned school bus in one of the worst neighborhoods in East Palo Alto, near the Dumbarton Bridge. She started wandering the streets. The many Chicanos who lived in East Pally took pity on her and gave her leftover food and old clothes. She took in stray dogs and cats. 

The guy in the next abandoned school bus played a lot of Johnny Cash music—especially his latest one, Out Among the Stars, which had just been released, 11 years after his death. She started to like country music and even named one of her two favorite dogs Johnny Cash. (She named another favorite dog Oh-Bummer.)

Eventually, she even started dreaming about Johnny Cash. Here’s one of her dreams:

She was visited by the Ghosts of Election Past, Present, and Future. Johnny Cash was the Ghost of Election Past. Dressed in black as usual.  

Nasty Nancy: I need cheering up, Johnny. Remember that dog I named after you? I can’t control him. He keeps wee-wee-ing and ooh-ooh-ing on the floor. How can I housebreak him?

Then, Nancy starts singing Johnny Cash’s Folsom Prison Blues, using the lyrics to Don Hendon’s hit song, Barkin’ Dog Blues:

I hear the dog a-barkin’
He’s scratchin’ at the door
If I don’t let him out soon
He’s gonna piss on the floor

But I know I had it comin’
I should have let him out
Now I spend all my time
Cleanin’ up my dirty old house

When he was just a puppy
I tried to train him right
Put him on the back porch
Said, “Do it out of sight”

But my dog sure is stupid
He ain’t very bright
Big puddles on the floor
Ain’t no dry spot in sight

Well, I’ll bet there’s smart dogs somewhere
Maybe in L.A.
Maybe in Laredo
Maybe in Santa Fe

But over here in East Pally
There’s a little bitty house
With a wet and messy floor
Won’t someone please help me out

Then, Johnny’s ghost starts singing:

Well, howdy-doody, madam
Sit down in your chair
Lean back and listen to me
I’m the answer to your prayer

For I’m a dog-trainin’ papa
I’m the best one there is
And you’re a floor-moppin’ mama
Who’s tired of all this mess

Just give me twenty dollars
And a little bitty hug
And I’ll potty-train your doggy
He won’t mess on your rug

Nancy starts looking for twenty dollars. She can’t find any money. So she starts singing again:

Well, I ain’t got no money
What’m I gonna do?
Please, please help me, Johnny
Well, now, it’s all up to you.

All of a sudden, the ghost of June Carter, Johnny’s wife, enters the school bus, dressed as the Ghost of Election Present. She sings:

Don’t help her out, Johnny
You better listen to me
She made fun of Betty White
That’s worse than makin’ fun of me.

June is interrupted by the appearance of the Ghost of Election Future. It’s even nastier Bea Arthur, from Golden Girls. And she’s dressed in an Angry Birds costume.

What will the Bea Arthur ghost do to Nasty Nancy? You’ll find out in my next fractured fairy tale.

Copyright (c) 2014 by Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon

Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a consultant, speaker, trainer, and author of 14 books, including The Way of the Warrior in Business, Guerrilla Deal-Making (with Jay Conrad Levinson) and 365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Jay Levinson recently passed away. He specifically chose Don to be his final co-author—the person most qualified to  carry the torch of guerrilla marketing into the 21st century. Deal-Making contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways—along with 400 winning countermeasures. There are 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive ones, 24 cooperative ones, and 16 submissive ones to get what you want from other people. Plus 81 dirty tricks to watch out for and 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them. Download Chapter 1, free of charge, at www.DonaldHendon.com. Play Don’s free online Negotiation Poker game by going to GuerrillaDon.com. Apps will soon be available.