In God We Trust

Obama Gets His Phony Social Security Card... and Even Plays in the NCAA March Madness Tournament - Conclusion of a Very Long Fractured Fairy Tale

 

By Dr. Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com

Last time, Jimmy Carter was telling George H. W. Bush how Obama really got his phony social security number back in 1977. He needed it to get a summer job at a Baskin-Robbins ice cream shop in Honolulu. But he didn’t have one. Because he wasn’t born in the US, he needed at least 2 original documents which prove your identity, age, and work-authorized immigration status. That last form comes from the US Immigration Department. Uh-oh! I smell trouble. Do you? Let’s continue…

Carter tells Bush, “People who weren’t born in the US can get a social security card to work—at Baskin-Robbins and anywhere else. You need at least 2 original documents which prove your identity, age, and work-authorized immigration status. That last form comes from the Immigration people. It used to be called the INS. Now, I think it’s called CIS—Citizenship and Immigration Services, or something like that.

Bush starts yawning, visibly bored with Carter’s explanation. Carter ignores the yawn and continues jabbering away.

Carter: Well, anyway, so Oh-Bummer couldn’t get a job with Baskin-Robbins in 1977. They asked him for his Social Security card so they could withhold state and federal taxes from his paycheck. He had no social security number. And he couldn’t get a Social Security card from the Social Security No US birth certificate meant he needed the “work-authorized immigration status” papers from the US immigration people.

Bush: So what did Oh-Bummer do? Did he ever go to work for Baskin-Robbins?

Carter: Yeah, he did. But remember how lazy Oh-Bummer has been as President. He was even lazier when he was a teenager in Honolulu. He lived way out past Diamond Head at 6085 Kalaninole Highway. Near Koko Head, actually. He probably thought it was too much trouble to go to the US Immigration office on Ala Moana Boulevard in downtown Honolulu, get the “work-authorization immigration status” papers from them, ask his mother for his Kenya birth certificate, and then take all that paperwork to the Social Security office. Even if it was only two blocks away on the same street.

Bush: Jimmy, once again, what the hell did he do?

Carter: Well, what do you think, George? Naturally, he did it the easy way. He either bought a phony social security card from the Yakuza crime syndicate in Hawaii. That was pretty common back in the 1970s. Or his grandmother, Madelyn Payne Dunham, got it for him.

Bush: I don’t believe you. How could Granny Clampett get Oh-Bummer a phony social security card?

Carter: Well, Granny Dunham worked as a volunteer at the Oahu Circuit Court Probate Department on Punchbowl Street, downtown. And so she had access to the social security numbers of dead people. She probably found the number of the dead Bounel guy and assigned it to her grandson. Bounel’s card began with 042. The first three digits of Connecticut social security numbers range from 040 to 049. Hawaiian social security numbers begin with 575 and 576.

Bush: Wow, Jimmy, you’re so full of really un-important information! To quote Horrible Hillary once again, “What difference does it make?”

Carter: Well, duh, Georgie-Porgie Puddin-Pie! If Oh-Bummer had a birth certificate proving he was born in Hawaii before he was born in Kenya, he would have taken it to the Social Security office. And they would have given him a social security card beginning with either 575 or 576. But the guy was born in Kenya, and didn’t have work-authorized immigration status! I told you that before, dummy! And that’s why the social security number he’s using starts with 042, not 575 or 576! Are you following all this?

Bush: I guess so. And so…

Carter, interrupting: And so Oh-Bummer showed Baskin-Robbins his phony social security card beginning with 042. And they gave him a job. The funny thing is, he quit in less than a week. He was lazy then, and he’s even lazier today!

Bush: Why didn’t Oh-Bummer just show Baskin-Robbins his draft card?

Carter: Because the guy was only 16 when he applied for a job at the ice cream store. He was too young for a draft card—you had to be 18.

Bush: I read somewhere that his draft card is also a forgery.

Carter: Well, out in Phoenix, the Maricopa County Sheriff Department looked at both Oh-Bummer’s draft card and his birth certificate. Their investigation concluded that both of them are forgeries. I don’t know if Sheriff Joe Arpaio has filed any charges against Oh-Bummer or not. He probably will. He’s not afraid of Oh-Bummer. He’s not called “The Toughest Sheriff in America” for nothing.

Bush: Wow! That’s a huge scandal!

Carter: Hell, George, there are a lot more Oh-Bummer scandals.

Bush: What are some of them?

Carter: Well, Campus Reform, a group of reporters who expose bias and abuse at universities in the US, went to George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia, and showed students what they thought were the 8 worst Oh-Bummer scandals in the form of a bracket chart based on college basketball’s “March Madness” tournament. And asked them to pick the most scandalous scandal.

Bush: What were the “Elite Eight” scandals, Jimmy?

Carter: Benghazi. That Fast and Furious gun-running scandal. IRS targeting conservative groups for audits. Justice Department spying on reporters from the Associated Press. National Security Agency collecting peoples’ e-mail and telephone data. Oh-Bummer’s lie—“if you like your plan, you can keep your plan.” Oh-Bummer by-passing Congress to delay important elements of Obama-Scare. And the really screwed-up rollout of Healthcare.gov.

Bush: Which scandal did the students pick as the worst one?  

Carter: It was a three-way tie! A toss-up between “If you like your plan, you can keep your plan,” IRS targeting conservatives, and NSA’s collecting our e-mail and phone data.

Bush: Well, a tie won’t happen in the NCAA tournament. There’ll be a winner in the finals.

Carter: And now, here are a few of the ones I read on the Huffington Post: First, Oh-Bummer dyes his hair grey to seem more presidential! Second, he says his blood type is AB! Are we supposed to believe he has two different types of blood? Maybe the guy’s a vampire! Third, he never laminated his bus pass in grade school. Fourth, his Portuguese water dog, Bo, was not really born in Portugal…

Bush rolls his eyes and walks out while Carter is still talking. He thinks to himself, “Jimmy should be grateful to Oh-Bummer. Now Jimmy’s no longer America’s worst president!”

Copyright (c) 2014 by Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon

  

Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a consultant, speaker, trainer, and author of 14 books, including The Way of the Warrior in Business, Guerrilla Deal-Making (with Jay Conrad Levinson) and 365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Jay Levinson recently passed away. He specifically chose Don to be his final co-author—the person most qualified to  carry the torch of guerrilla marketing into the 21st century. Deal-Making contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways—along with 400 winning countermeasures. There are 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive ones, 24 cooperative ones, and 16 submissive ones to get what you want from other people. Plus 81 dirty tricks to watch out for and 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them. Download Chapter 1, free of charge, at www.DonaldHendon.com. Play Don’s free online Negotiation Poker game by going to GuerrillaDon.com. Apps will soon be available.