The Weiner-Holder Ticket Gets Obama Excited - A Fractured Fairy Tale

By Dr. Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com 

Last time, Obama and his speshul-weshul guy Kal Penn were flying to Saudi Arabia so he could perform the Hajj when the secret service broke the news that Anthony Weiner is running for president in 2016 and has chosen Eric Holder for his running mate.  

Obama is overjoyed. He tells Kal, “Hey, the Weiner-Holder ticket is just what I was hoping for. To change the subject. It’s been hard to do that, though. Even MSNBC News is jumping on the bandwagon. They’re saying I’m so incompetent, I can’t even tie my shoe laces.”

Kal: Yeah, Barry, you’re so screwed up, your PR people have even stopped trying to cover up your mistakes. You make so many mistakes, so often, they’re trying to hope and change the subject.

Barry: Hope and change. That sure sounds familiar. What are my PR people doing, anyway?

Kal: They’re calling you the best job creator in the history of the US.

Barry: Huh?

Kal: Yeah, their latest PR campaign is saying that your mistakes make more work for everybody else in the White House. That means you’re really a job creator! Your stupid mistakes have created more jobs than any other president in history!

Barry: Oh, yeah, I seem to remember that. They started that campaign when Michelle and the two kids were at the Ocean Reef Club with me in the Florida Keys during spring break. Gee, that wasn’t a break at all—Michelle is so obnoxious! Biden wanted to vacation with me, but I can’t stand the guy. So he went to the Virgin Islands with his wife instead.

Kal: Why didn’t you stay in the White House during spring break? Russia was invading the Ukraine.

Barry: The Ukraine? Where’s that?

Kal: Forget it. Hey, I’m wondering something. While you were at the Ocean Reef Club in the Florida Keys, I heard you wanted Alan Grayson to play golf with you. He never showed up, though. What’s the story?

Barry: Yeah, I remember Grayson. He’s the congressman who said the Republican healthcare plan was simple—if you get sick, die quickly. Maybe I should have invited him. He and I have a lot in common—wife problems. I hear he’s being sued by his wife Lolita. He pushed her hard, against the door. She fell down, got up, kneed him in the stomach, and punched him in the face. Now, he’s even uglier than before. Reminds me of the arguments Michelle and I had when she first found out I was gay.

Kal: Let’s get back to Joe Biden. Why did you pick him as your VP candidate not once, but twice?

Barry: Because Clueless Joe is so stupid, he makes even me look good by comparison. Hell, before he became a politician, he worked in a bank. He got fired for stealing. Stealing pens! Besides, I really like to kick him around. I give him all the shitty jobs I don’t want to do. I’ve been doing that ever since he announced his approval of gay marriage before I did. I’m the gay guy, not him. He should have let me come out first.

Kal: So what are you gonna say about the Weiner-Holder ticket?

Barry: I think I’ll ask the ad agency of Spirit Airlines for advice.

Kal: Why?

Barry: Don’t you remember? Last summer, the very next day after Carlos Danger was caught sending photos of his wiener to another girl, Spirit Airlines ran an ad on its website featuring Weiner as a masked hot dog holding a cell phone. I remember the campaign—it featured Carlos Danger in something called “The Weiner Rises Again.” It promoted $24 discounts on its flights to Mexico.

Kal: Well, the Weiner-Holder announcement might get the news media talking about something besides your incompetence.

Barry: That’s not enough. To take people’s minds off the crappy job I’ve been doing as president, we need a good sex scandal.

Kal: What about Bill Clinton? He’s usually up for that.

Barry: He’s not up that much anymore.

Kal: Why not?  

Barry: Well, he had quadruple bypass surgery for his heart and lung surgery in 2004. He’s so medicated, he can’t get it up anymore. No, he’s old news.  

Kal: I guess that’s why he’s so grouchy with the news media these days. I guess he really misses those threesomes with Monica, Paula Jones, Gennifer Flowers, Markie Post, Elizabeth Hurley, Sharon Stone, Juanita Broaddrick, and his other bimbos.

Barry: Hey, I remember Broaddrick. I heard she was raped by Clinton in the late 1970s when he was Arkansas Attorney General. She’s the one who says he bit her lips so hard, he nearly cut them in half.

Kal: Didn’t he give Paula Jones $850,000 to keep her mouth shut?

Barry: Hell, Clinton liked her with her mouth open. But, yeah. She dropped her sexual harassment charges against him after she got the money.

Eventually, Obama decides to call Bill Clinton and ask him to help out with a sex scandal. What did they say? The answer is in a future Fractured Fairy Tale.

Copyright (c) 2014 by Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon